he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
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And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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