sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
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I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
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It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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