So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
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I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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