Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
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You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
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it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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