Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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