I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
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For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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