The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
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An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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