About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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