she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
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Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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