He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
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we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
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You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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