So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
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I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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