I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
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And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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