I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
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Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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