We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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