Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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he has the hands of the vagina gods.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
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ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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