I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
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Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
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He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize