Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize