Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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