Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
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they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
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Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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