I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
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Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
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I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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