I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
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