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matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
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