I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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