My nipple is on Facebook.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
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my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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