I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
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Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
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The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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