everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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