she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
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just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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