I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
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I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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