I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
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As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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