I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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