I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
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If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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