I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You've changed since you got that strap on
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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