I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
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The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
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First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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