i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
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Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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