so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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