fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pee around me
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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