Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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