We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
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Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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