Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize