I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
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He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
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Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
MIDGETS
????
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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