So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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