I hate your face
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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