Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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