I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
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Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
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Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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