Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
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after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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