he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just pee around me
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Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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