I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
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i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
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they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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