Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
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We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
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leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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