She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
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I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
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"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So much Jack, so little girl.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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