this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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